There Go The Fats!

March 09, 2018  •  Leave a Comment

    I don't obsess much about my weight. I figured out a long time ago that, as a middle aged man, I should not have a school girl figure. That took a lot of the pressure off to look like an underwear model. Besides, it would be easier for me to become an astronaut. But I do want to stay fairly heathy and, most important, functional.

    I like to think of myself as being "heavier than I should be" but thinner than a lot of people my age. While I don't diet, per se, I do try and watch what I eat. When I eat well, it basks me in a self-celebratory glow deserving of a victory meal. Or, at least, a treat of some sort. When I eat poorly, I make sure that I take a double portion of guilt to go along with my meal.

    As part of my efforts to not become Jabba The Hut, I try and get a good walk in every day during my lunch break at work. It was on one of these walks that the guy I was walking with turned and asked,  "What's the plural form of fat? Would it be fat? Fats? Fati?"

    Not only is exercise good for your body, your heart, etc.. but I find that it also helps the mental processes. With questions like this, I think it should be obvious that we are quite mental.

    I replied, "Well, if you're talking about things like polyunsaturated fats, then it's 'fats'."

    "I was just thinking that if someone drove by and thought, *'He's fat'*.. and looked at you and said, *'He's fat'*... that there's two of us. Plural. What would the plural of fat be?", he explained.

    I briefly considered pushing him out into traffic but was ever so grateful for the clarification and set about conjugating the various forms of fat. With my regular workout schedule sharpening my ninja-like mental responses, it didn't take long to figure out that the problem we were facing is that 'fat' is not a noun.. unless we're considering polyunsaturated fats or other such like instances where fat is indeed a thing in and of itself.

    The problem before us is that 'FAT', in this case, was not a noun. I might be tempted to offer here that it's more of a way of life, but that's what we were really out there trying to avoid, isn't it? If someone were to drive by and shout,  "Hey! Look at the FAT guys!" , the noun in that sentence would actually be 'guys', referring to us. "FAT" is an adjective. I was never an English major nor do I play one on TV, but I've never heard a plural adjective. I've also never heard, "Hey.. with your build, you should be modeling underwear!". Suddenly, I found myself walking along and wondering why thermal underwear.. longjohns.. are almost always so unflattering. Was that on purpose? Did they see that coming? I guess they keep your own body heat inside, which  is good because you're not going to get anyone else's wearing those things. It's easier to look good in a potato sack than a pair of thermals. But I digress...

    I walked along trying to consider how we could be called 'fats'. We could, of course, form a group.. a gang.. of overweight people and call ourselves, "The Fats" or even "The Fat". We could get patches. Have a theme song. Meet at a club house or a Dunkin' Donuts or something. Secret handshake. Our own closed social media pages. Annual banquets. Awards. If you get under a certain body mass, you get booted from the club. THEN.. when the news reports came on about who was rounded up by the police, the reporters could say things like, "Fats arrested today.. details when we come back!"

    I was quite pleased to look up 'fat' in the dictionary and I was correct. It IS indeed an adjective. Good guess! Glancing over the definitions, I saw,  "consisting of or containing fat; greasy; oily". Hmmm.. I don't feel very good about that. Kind of offended actually. It makes me sound dishonest and shady. Like there should be used cars involved. I think that definition should be removed. That's kind of a hit on my self-image. Perhaps we should just go with "plump; well-fed". Maybe Gabriel Iglesias has the right idea. I'm just slightly fluffy.

    But I'm still going walking. You can't buy this kind of entertainment.


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